My Monkee was conceived. Well, sometime during this time period. As I just completed laying my golden egg for the month, I can't help but wonder if lightening will strike twice. If it does, will my second Monkee stick around?
I laid in bed the other night thinking that Monkee should be beside me. I should be preparing for his first Christmas with us. He should be snuggling next to me as I stroke his chubby little cheeks and smell the sweet scent of the lotion I rubbed all over him after his bath. Instead my fingers were brushing the cold fabric of my pillow as the Pup Royalty fought over the comforter. I miss him. I want him so bad. I want lightening to strike again, but I'm scared that it will and I'll loose another Monkee. Or that if it does, I won't be the mother that I want to be. Maybe this is what my life is supposed to be. I look around at all my nieces and my nephew, and my friend's children that seem to grow like weeds and my heart still breaks. As much as I bury the want to be a mother, it never goes completely away. I want to go back to that place I was at last year. I was happy with the thought of it being me, BD, and whatever pets we have at the time. That would be our happy little family. If we ever got our uterus parasite, great. If we didn't, it was ok. I was comfortable with the fact that God had other plans for us. I don't have that sense of comfort anymore. I have doubt. Doubt that I will ever have a child of my own, if I am capable of being a good mother, if I will ever be able to adopt a child. . . I'm tired of the doubt. I want to go back to that place of comfort. I want to feel ok with it all again.
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